Seven Pounds

Usually with the films that I make there are ideas that I connect to, but lately I've been dealing with the bittersweet in life because it feels more natural. You don't ever get it really the way you want in life. That really fascinates me.

-Will Smith on Seven Pounds

This movie has got me thinking on so many levels. During the first hour and a half, I was completely frustrated, I thought the movie was jumping around way too much, leaving too many questions, and not going toward anything.

By the end of the movie, I was touched, moved, and nearly in tears. This is not to say this movie was "great" by any means though. I think it just really connected with my current circumstances, this 'bittersweet' feeling that Smith is talking about.

It's hard to imagine someone so selfless that they would essentially deteriorate their body so that others may be saved. However, something about the movie really tugs at my heart. Perhaps because I'm strongly considering making a huge change in my life very soon. I am going to get a job.

For years, I have been able to cut my teeth at the poker table, making a living from other people's mistakes. I have lived well, without question (many of you can attest to that). But something has changed. I'm not sure what it is or where it came from, but during the past two months I have had a change of heart. I realize I have lost a lot of my edge from before, due to lack of discipline, lack of work ethic, lack of focus. It's because I know I don't want to be playing poker for my entire life. I realize poker contributes nothing to society and in fact only worsens it by creating fiscal inefficiencies (i.e. tax evasion, monetary allocations, etc.) I've never really had a problem with it until this last trip to Vegas (see last post). Gary and I must have talked for hours about all these different facets in life and what really matters at the end of the day.

We've both done poker before. There are definitely upsides such as freedom and money. But the downsides are beginning to weigh heavier and heavier. The daily/weekly/monthly swings, the habits of living, and most of all, this overwhelming sense of lack of fulfillment. If I could play poker for 200k+/year or teach for 38k/year, which would I choose? Something about being to help someone, to tangibly change their lives in a positive manner, is worth an immeasurable amount to me, personally. Furthermore, I am a romantic at heart and a family man. I would gladly sacrifice cards and money for a job that is more conducive to raising a family.

That's why I've always wanted to open up a coffee shop. Everyday people have no idea what they are going to face. They have a routine, but nothing ever goes the way it's planned. The only staple of their day is getting that cup of coffee in the morning. As a worker, you are able to offer them the one stability in their life. That comforting, warm feeling. Think about it.

Anyway, as a result of this decision, I am in a state of flux right now, completely unaware of what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be. My mind has generated a series of tough questions for myself to answer. I know I don't want to be playing cards, but there are so many things I think I would be interested in. Business, teaching, even science. Obviously it's not that broad, there are specific areas I would want to go into in each field. However, the process is still difficult for me, considering I'm about two years behind everyone.

The movie moved me because each of those seven individuals that were helped in the movie were in helpless situations. They were living lives that most of us would fear living because of the mediocrity, the lacking of funds, the uncertainty of survival.

Part of me worries, this uncertainty that continually surrounds me. Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? Taiwan? America? Europe? Part of me has peace, because I know I have great people watching out for me.