Maui

It's a good thing I went on this vacation before going to Vegas and running bad at life because it probably would not have been as enjoyable post-Vegas.

Day 1: Landing
We land around 11:30am and I am very anxious about this whole trip because I booked everything in advance. Anyone who knows me for 2 seconds knows that I don't ever book anything in advance. Usually 24 hours notice is advanced enough for me, but this trip I actually got the plane, hotel, car, and events in order months ahead of time.

I felt very uneasy because I kept thinking what if something goes wrong. If I go to Vegas and I buy tickets to a show, I know I'm going to be able to see that show because a) I know the show exists and b) I have the perforated ticket with me. On this flight, I had an envelope full of printed papers, some of them without a bar code on them! Luckily, everything ended up working out in the end and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Only 20 minutes on the island and I swiftly got owned right away by the car rental. They told me these exact words, "Since you booked through Expedia, you can upgrade your car rental at half price. So convertibles and Jeeps are only $25 more per day." Okay, I've never driven around in a convertible before so book it. Minus $100 and I haven't even left the airport.

We stayed at the Marriott in Wailea and it was beautiful, right off the beach. They had some pretty funky water with a huge bamboo stick and cuts of pineapple on the bottom. It tasted very refreshing.



After settling in we headed to Lahaina where we booked a sunset dinner cruise. This was the first test for me because the sheet of paper I had contained no bar code, no confirmation code, no address. There was only text. We managed to find it and the guy who checked us in was super cross-eyed. When he looked at my piece of paper and the computer screen, he was literally two inches away. He ended up being a cool guy though and it wasn't too distracting to look at him since he wore sunglasses most of the time.

The cruise ended up being pretty cool overall although the food wasn't that great.


On the drive back, I tailgated someone pretty bad and got pulled over. My poker instincts immediately kicked in and once I saw the cop, I was 99% sure he wasn't going to give me a ticket. He was a bit too plump and friendly-looking. However, I had to make sure.

Cop: I pulled you over for tailgating. What are you in a rush for?
Me: (looks blankly at the dashboard then at the cop) Nothing.
Cop: You know how I can tell you were tailgating? Your brake lights kept coming on. You were right up that guys butt.
Me: (looks away from the cop and onto the ground) I'm sorry.
Cop: How long have you been here?
Me: Just landed today.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: (Yes) No.
Cop: None at all?
Me: (3 drinks) Nope.

He proceeded to pull out his pen and tested my eye tracking abilities. I'm guessing I passed it with flying colors as he walked away and told me to be more careful. No ticket and my vacation continues going well!

Day 2: Wailea/Lahaina
Since we had spent so much money booking all these events, we decided that we would rent some snorkeling gear and go out ourselves for most of the trip. The water ended up being warm and clear which was perfect. Furthermore, I got no sunburn which is always nice.



Dinner was at Melting Pot and we promptly passed out.

Day 3: Napili
Breakfast was at The Gazebo which turned out to be super awesome. I'm really thankful for the Yelp community. Afterward we played a game of coconut checkers to allow our stomachs to digest before snorkeling again.

Napili turned out to be even better than Wailea. The coral reef was much larger, the water was clearer, and there was a greater variety of fish.


We headed over to our Luau which included dinner at the Royal Lahainan Hotel. I'm convinced that if I were to ever move to Hawaii, I'd start a business that only sold leis and coconut drinks. We bought a drink in a coconut for $15. There's no way a coconut would cost more than $4 to buy. We also saw a lady selling leis for $25 a pop. What was even more astonishing was that there was a line to buy them. In the time it took for us to move through the line entering the Luau, she had made over $800.


The show turned out to be alright. I'm not really sure how to critique Luau shows but it was entertaining. The food was great and we ended wasting quite a bit of food. I didn't feel bad at first but then I looked around and nobody else had leftovers on their plate. How do you go to a buffet and not have leftovers??

By this time I was pretty much beat to a pulp. All the snorkeling and driving was catching up. We fell asleep by 11 yet again.

Day 4: Molokini Crater

This was easily the highlight of the trip. We got this package where they take you on a boat to this volcano vent then turtle town, breakfast and lunch inclusive. The water ended up being quite cold but the coral was amazing here. There was pretty much no sand, only coral and fish. The captain was one of the funniest people I've ever met.


After the crater, the boat headed to turtle town which is what everybody was waiting for. Despite murky waters, it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Sea turtles are huge! They seem so chilled out all the time like there's nothing to do except swim by the coral and come up for air every 15-20 minutes. Unfortunately, the crew had a policy against touching the turtles but I got closer than anyone else to touching one. They had a 10-feet rule (which I honestly did not hear) and I was about three feet away when I heard someone screaming at me to back up. It looks like I'm almost touching the turtle here.


Recap: I've learned that while Hawaii is a cool place to go, it's the biggest tourist trap I've ever seen, even worse than Vegas. Remember all those pieces of paper I printed stuff out on? They turned out to be worth about as much as the piece of paper they were printed on. Both the Luau and the Molokini boat ended up have virtually no security. There was a "check-in" but there was nobody stopping you from walking in or getting on at any point.

For the boat, after you show them the piece of paper, they give you a plastic card containing the rules for the boat. After you read it, you sign a blank sheet of paper saying you've read it and you walk onto the beach. Once the boat arrived, you walk on and nobody asks you for your name, confirmation papers, or ID. It was ridiculous.

In the future, if I ever go back, I plan on doing much more "free" stuff. Who's with me?!